I think I have it figured out. Finally.
There I was today. Sitting in my car at the Outback Steak House. One of those Blooming Onions… I think they are called. Great taste if you like onions, and also great for cleaning out your sinuses. I mean… who wants to die with blocked sinuses ?
And then… I just started crying. Sitting there, and crying. I tried to dry my eyes… but the tears wouldn’t stop. Then I started to drive home… back to my apartment. That didn’t take long.
I sat in my parking space for awhile. And yes, I was still crying. I loaded up the groceries that I still had in the car from yesterday… and trundled up to my apartment.
I opened the door, and my first thought was to look for Mollie. Was my little kitty still asleep, or had she come to greet me?
I have been reacting like this a lot. And then eventually it hits me that Mollie T Cat is no longer physically here. I took her to the vet to be “put to sleep” on February 10… barely a week and a half ago. Mollie went into a seizure right there on the examining table. My poor little baby was flailing around… not in control of herself.
The vet tech picked her up and took her into the back, and then brought her back out to me… all calmed down. Mollie T was still awake, but I knew it was time. I am sure that she did, too. I gently picked her up from the vet tech… kissed her on her sweet forehead… and said to her “Thank you for sharing your life with me.”
Those were my last words to Miss Mollie. Fifteen minutes later she was gone.
I have missed her immensely since then.
Back to today. Mollie T was all I had left… just as I was all Mollie T had. I have lost everything else in my life. Everything.
I want to make it clear that it was not just losing Mollie T. But…
I am just so tired of all of this. I am exhausted. It just does not make any sense whatsoever to play this silly game of life any longer.
So… I am done. I am finished. This afternoon I called my cardiologist’s office at the hospital and canceled my next appointment. Then, I called my internist… the “primary care physician” they insisted I get assigned to me. You know, the one that it took four months on the waiting list for them to call me and “put me on the “appointment waiting list.” After that… getting an appointment only took three months.
So… I’ve got a “clean slate” as far as that is concerned. I did not want to be taking up space on an appointment slot, and then not show up… and by not doing so… keep that time from being used by someone else. That part, I felt good about.
And then… after making those calls… as I said… it all finally became clear. It’s over. Crying, and trying to write through my tears… I wrote… “It’s over.”
I am done. I am finished. I am simply going to stay in my apartment. Or, as I call it… my “cave.” Sooner or later my damaged heart will stop. Sooner or later my aortic valve… with its severe stenosis… will close up completely. I will then pass out, and in a very short time… it will be over.
Until then… I will continue to make myself reasonably comfortable… but I am simply going to stay right here until I die.
I feel so much better now.