Earlier tonight… actually in the middle of the night, I was lying, or is it laying, in bed, staring at the ceiling… realizing that I was totally awake with almost no chance of getting to sleep… when I looked at my watch. Actually, I looked at my cell phone. I take it to bed with me every night. It’s digital time read-out is very easy to see… and of course, it’s back-lighted.
Anyway… I looked at my cell phone. It was 3:19am.
So what happens ? My eyes well up with tears, and I immediately vaulted into thoughts of Jackie’s birthday on 3:27. March 27th. It seems to follow me everywhere… hiding, but very ready to jump out. Then… it was earlier tonight that I wrote a cute little feel-good post about GroundHog Day.
I wanted to read the WikiPedia article on the movie, so I went to it. There was a link, and a paragraph about how GroundHog Day was voted number 8 on the American Film Institute list of all-time favorite “fantasy” films.
I, while I was there… I looked at the other lists… and came upon the list of greatest “courtroom dramas.” And… number four… was “The Verdict” with Paul Newman. It was from 1982. And, of course… my eyes welled up with tears again. It was the last movie that Jackie and I ever saw together. I remembered it well… and actually remembered GOING to see the movie with Jackie.
So, I sit here… bleary-eyed… wiping my eyes. It happens a lot. Never because of a mood I happen to be in at the time… and always just popping out of nowhere when I stumble upon something. I am then transported into tears, melancholy, and a wish that this would all stop. I don’t feel like I have any control over this.
I also feel that I am destined… even “sentenced” to be brutalized by this… for the rest of my life. Just as I have been for the last twenty-nine years since my divorce from Jackie. I hate this. I have no peace.
I am not sure what I DO have. More like someone wandering through the days, months, and years… hoping that when I finally DO go to sleep each night… that that particular night will be the last night I have to be dragged through this insanity that some people refer to as a “life.” I don’t really seek out being pummeled like this.
At least I don’t think I do. But, it continues to happen. Not every day. Most days are simply pointless. There is the daylight part of each day, and then the darkness part of each day. And some sadistic quilter seems bent on stitching them together in an endless string of quilting squares.